Robert’s Perspective:

Life is nothing more than a series of tests. Ignoring council from my parents in my youth, I continuously failed to realize this. Still far from perfect today, the older I get the more I realize most of life’s tests are how you react to situations that determines just about everything.

Our story is not a simple one and neither was Mireille’s pregnancy. The end of this particular story is Mireille came down with a rare condition called ICP and Jackson was delivered 3 weeks early from his scheduled due date. A few weeks leading up to us finding out, Mireille had been complaining about her feet itching and we seemed to always be applying baby oil to help alleviate some of the irritation. One evening, I was rubbing her feet with baby oil when I saw what appeared to be claw marks on the bottoms of her feet. Not exaggerating, they were nearly bleeding. After conducting a little research she concluded that she could have ICP, a rare liver condition that only develops during pregnancy. She asked her OB to test her for ICP and was told that is was a rare condition and that she was just pregnant.

To Mireille’s credit she kept pushing back and finally was able to get a little blood work done to confirm our fears of the complications. She had ICP. They told us she would need to come in next Monday for and emergency c-section. There are many fears as a parent and this ranks pretty high on the list. Mixed emotions: on one hand thrilled to become parents (early) and the other, scared about the health of our child, all at the same time. ICP increases the likelihood of stillborn death. I’m just a software salesman so take it for what its worth but because her liver was not working correctly her blood would became toxic the longer we waited.

When you see your spouse go through a pregnancy term as a man, there is so much unknown, much of which I don’t feel I need to know. Scrap gender or throwing a baseball, the only thing I wanted in that moment was for Mireille and Jackson to be healthy. When you’re staring into the face of the unknown and realize it can all be taken away in an instant, you realize what is important to you. This had and continues to have a lasting impression on my life and many of the choices I make as a salesman, father and husband. Nothing is guaranteed.

The next 5 days would prove to be the longest days of my life. It’s odd because they are scheduling an emergency c-section but yet they need to wait 5 days for Jackson to reach 37 weeks to be considered full term. Mireille and I spent the remainder of our time together doing what we could to keep our minds occupied with last minute purchases and decorating around the house. The night before Jackson was born we went downtown to Antico pizza for what would by our last meal together without children.

February 24th 2014: The delivery was scheduled for 1pm which meant Mireille couldn’t eat anything from I believe 10pm the night before until a few hours after the delivery. This didn’t go without mention let me tell you but I guess I would be the same way. I felt I needed to sneak food as to prevent an earful from my now anxious wife. 1pm they took Mireille to the delivery room and asked me to wait outside until she was prepped and ready.
1:10pm the let me in to be with her. I sat there with Mireille thinking about everything we had been through together over the last 12 months and 18 days. There was a lot, a lot of unknowns when you really think about it. We were really just getting to know each other and yet here we were welcoming our son into the world. She looked at me nervously about what the next few minutes would bring and I just stared back at her holding her hand and comforting her. My son was born on February 24th 2014 at 1:15pm. The first thing that crossed my mind was everyone going to be okay? The doctors confirmed that Jackson and Mireille were both doing great and that everything would be okay. Seeing the birth of my son changed my life. It was no longer about myself and nearly everything I cared about before evaporated as I listened to our son cry for the first time. I was a father. He was perfect. As sappy as it sounds, I became overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you lord.

Mireille’s perspective:

I cannot even start this post without feeling the lump in my throat and tearing up. I am not a crier and never have been on the outside. I suppressed my emotions I suppose. Motherhood does something to you, and I completely understand why people joke that it’s a club. It is, a club of jokes, complaining, boastings, and one unspoken understanding; that you feel the most intense emotion in life that cannot even be described in words that do it enough justice. Every single day you feel as though your heart and breath is being stepped on, from when they fall to when they cry to when they laugh. Talk about being exhausted, it’s not just the sleepless nights or the constant touching. It’s the fact that parts of your mind, body, and heart are running around outside your body and you physically feel every inch of it.

I mentioned I was never the gushy baby type, and this carried over into pregnancy. I didn’t feel that connection the entire time I was pregnant. Yes, I knew I loved my child, yes, I knew I was so excited and couldn’t wait to be a mom and meet him. But throughout the pregnancy, I just didn’t feel it. The thing that everyone always talks about feeling. The thing they say they know their child, they feel the undying love, etc etc. I didn’t. I was a little concerned. But looking back with everything I know now, its a tiny detail, because I’ve learned it happens at different times for everyone. My pregnancy was miserable, there was no other way to describe it. I had severe heartburn 24/7 fromabout week 3. I gained 60 pounds and fit in none of my clothes, and at some point even maternity clothes were uncomfortable. As someone that has weighed the same my entire life, it was just a hard change to go through and deal with. As well as staring at a closet full of clothes I could not enjoy. That is all superficial, but still… I wasn’t barefoot in the kitchen and happy. One time around 5 months, a few weeks before our wedding, I started bleeding. We were freaked out and ended up in the ER… we had to just hear the heartbeat. Everything was fine and it ended up that just a piece of the placenta detached. It wasn’t a big deal because it was tiny but this meant I needed to be monitored closely, so I qualified as ‘high risk’ for insurance. It ended up being awesome because I got to have an ultrasound every week and see our babe. Throughout the entire pregnancy I could probably be labeled as a hypochondriac to my doctor. I could tell she was a bit impatient at all my extreme questions and self diagnosis of every little thing. I always came in very anxious and worried. I can only explain it in that I just needed my baby to be ok and get through this knowing I would finally have him. All I could think about was getting him to the other side and out alright. I’m a worrier, you truly can’t escape your genes if you have a Jewish mother.

I am extremely in tune with my body and know and analyze everything. I honestly think this goes back to my extreme phobia of throw up. I swear to you that I have willed myself to not get sick my entire life. I go into a somewhat zen mode of meditation and feel as though I have talked myself out of it most of my life. This is one reason I never drank too much… I was too scared ha! Anyway, I just pay attention. So I knew when something was wrong. I started to itch on February 4th. My due date was March 17th. I remember it being somewhat faint and at night. It was on my feet and hands, and that was it and at first I thought it was dry skin. It got worse and worse as the days went on, and onFebruary 14th, I remember we went out to dinner and I came home and lathered myself in baby oil. I did everything to try and scratch the itch. But this is an itch under the skin and cannot be satisfied, no matter how hard you scratch. I would scratch my feel until they had cuts on them. Robert now was getting concerned. I told my doctor and I swear she rolled her eyes at yet another concern and told me itchy skin is normal for pregnancy. My skin and whole body felt just toxic, I just didn’t feel right. I googled itchy hands and feet during pregnancy, and after a little scrolling (it wasn’t high on the list), I stumbled upon ICP. I remember exactly where I was at work reading this. I knew this is what I had. I called Robert and told him I know I have this and I’m calling the doctor. I asked to come in that day, it was Monday morning and I demanded a blood test. I brought sheets of info and told my doctor this is what I had and I want a blood test immediately. She said ‘I will order the test but this is so rare, I really doubt you have this’. I took the test and went home, nervous for the next two days. Wednesday morning she called me and told me to come into the office to discuss induction options, I had ICP.

Robert left work that day and we both went into the doctor Wednesday afternoon. I was 36 weeks and 3 days. Jackson needed to come out at 37 weeks, which is considered full term, where the lungs have the best chance to be fully developed. We could not wait any longer because the longer you wait, the chances of stillborn death are higher. My liver stopped functioning and basically bile acids built up beneath my skin and get into the blood stream, the same blood that goes to the baby. This is toxic for them. This condition is not widely known, and still does not have full reasons as to why it occurs. It could be genetic (and most people have no clue) and has a history of occurring in hispanic women, as well as more common when you are having a boy. (So crazy because I did not have it with Elston, so who knows). And it all goes away, the symptoms, everything, once you have the baby. Legitimately the itching stopped in the recovery room. I knew we needed to do whatever it took. We took the weekend to decide whether to schedule a C-section or be induced. I had just watched the Business of Being Born and knew I did not want to force anything, I didn’t even want to be induced because of what I learned recently and knew he wasn’t ready! After going round and round, we decided it was best to schedule the C-section. I knew if one ended up having to happen, I didn’t want it to be emergency. I wanted it planned out and Jackson monitored. That Monday morning I was so hungry it was just cruel. I remember licking (sneaking) a popsicle before we left to go to the hospital. We dropped Georgia off at Amy’s house and headed to the hospital. I was terrified. So many fears, um hello, I was scared of needles, have a low tolerance for pain, and have never been in a hospital for myself. I am not the best patient. On top of all that, Jackson was going to be 3 weeks early and I needed him to be ready.

I got prepped an hour before. Everything went incredibly smoothly, it was so calming. I got my first IV, epidural, so many firsts. It’s all hazy but I remember I couldn’t stop shaking.
The delivery room was bright and calm. Everyone was talking and lighthearted. My doctor was amazing at talking me through it all and she was a brilliant surgeon. Bedside manor, not so much. But in the moment, she was everything she needed to be. I was loopy but I smelled burning and kept looking up at Robert asking what that was. I was so anxious to hear his cry. That is all I was waiting for. I needed to hear his breath and I could go on in life as a normal human. I felt pressure and pushing into me like they were pounding me into the table. Jackson was born at 1:15pm. I was yelling why isn’t he crying, where is he, I need to see him. I finally heard the cry and my reason for living changed in that instant. Robert was holding him and had red eyes and I was asking everyone to please tell me why Robert was upset, what is wrong. The anesthesiologist next to me assured me it was because everything was perfect, and Robert had been overcome with emotion. His lungs were perfect, he was perfect. I took one look at him and to this day, know that’s the moment I felt it. I immediately knew what love at first sight felt like. I would literally die for this human, any day at any moment. Jackson Avnor Beckwith, the most perfect thing I had ever seen. He made me a better person and continues to do so as I want to live my best life for him, by example. He is my raison d’être.