Robert’s Perspective:
Life is nothing more than a series of tests. Ignoring council from my parents in my youth, I continuously failed to realize this. Still far from perfect today, the older I get the more I realize most of life’s tests are how you react to situations that determines just about everything.
Our story is not a simple one and neither was Mireille’s pregnancy. The end of this particular story is Mireille came down with a rare condition called ICP and Jackson was delivered 3 weeks early from his scheduled due date. 
A few weeks leading up to us finding out, Mireille had been complaining about her feet itching and we seemed to always be applying baby oil to help alleviate some of the irritation. One evening, I was rubbing her feet with baby oil when I saw what appeared to be claw marks on the bottoms of her feet. Not exaggerating, they were nearly bleeding. After conducting a little research she concluded that she could have ICP, a rare liver condition that only develops during pregnancy. She asked her OB to test her for ICP and was told that is was a rare condition and that she was just pregnant.
To Mireille’s credit she kept pushing back and finally was able to get a little blood work done to confirm our fears of the complications. She had ICP. They told us she would need to come in next Monday for and emergency c-section. There are many fears as a parent and this ranks pretty high on the list. Mixed emotions: on one hand thrilled to become parents (early) and the other, scared about the health of our child, all at the same time. ICP increases the likelihood of stillborn death. I’m just a software salesman so take it for what its worth but because her liver was not working correctly her blood would became toxic the longer we waited.
When you see your spouse go through a pregnancy term as a man, there is so much unknown, much of which I don’t feel I need to know. Scrap gender or throwing a baseball, the only thing I wanted in that moment was for Mireille and Jackson to be healthy. When you’re staring into the face of the unknown and realize it can all be taken away in an instant, you realize what is important to you. This had and continues to have a lasting impression on my life and many of the choices I make as a salesman, father and husband. Nothing is guaranteed.
The next 5 days would prove to be the longest days of my life. It’s odd because they are scheduling an emergency c-section but yet they need to wait 5 days for Jackson to reach 37 weeks to be considered full term. Mireille and I spent the remainder of our time together doing what we could to keep our minds occupied with last minute purchases and decorating around the house. The night before Jackson was born we went downtown to Antico pizza for what would by our last meal together without children.
February 24th 2014: The delivery was scheduled for 1pm which meant Mireille couldn’t eat anything from I believe 10pm the night before until a few hours after the delivery. This didn’t go without mention let me tell you but I guess I would be the same way. I felt I needed to sneak food as to prevent an earful from my now anxious wife. 1pm they took Mireille to the delivery room and asked me to wait outside until she was prepped and ready.
1:10pm the let me in to be with her. I sat there with Mireille thinking about everything we had been through together over the last 12 months and 18 days. There was a lot, a lot of unknowns when you really think about it. We were really just getting to know each other and yet here we were welcoming our son into the world. She looked at me nervously about what the next few minutes would bring and I just stared back at her holding her hand and comforting her. My son was born on February 24th 2014 at 1:15pm. The first thing that crossed my mind was everyone going to be okay? The doctors confirmed that Jackson and Mireille were both doing great and that everything would be okay. Seeing the birth of my son changed my life. It was no longer about myself and nearly everything I cared about before evaporated as I listened to our son cry for the first time. I was a father. He was perfect. As sappy as it sounds, I became overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you lord.
Mireille’s perspective:
I cannot even start this post without feeling the lump in my throat and tearing up. I am not a crier and never have been on the outside. I suppressed my emotions I suppose. Motherhood does something to you, and I completely understand why people joke that it’s a club. It is, a club of jokes, complaining, boastings, and one unspoken understanding; that you feel the most intense emotion in life that cannot even be described in words that do it enough justice. Every single day you feel as though your heart and breath is being stepped on, from when they fall to when they cry to when they laugh. Talk about being exhausted, it’s not just the sleepless nights or the constant touching. It’s the fact that parts of your mind, body, and heart are running around outside your body and you physically feel every inch of it.
I mentioned I was never the gushy baby type, and this carried over into pregnancy. I didn’t feel that connection the entire time I was pregnant. Yes, I knew I loved my child, yes, I knew I was so excited and couldn’t wait to be a mom and meet him. But throughout the pregnancy, I just didn’t feel it. The thing that everyone always talks about feeling. The thing they say they know their child, they feel the undying love, etc etc. I didn’t. I was a little concerned. But looking back with everything I know now, its a tiny detail, because I’ve learned it happens at different times for everyone. My pregnancy was miserable, there was no other way to describe it. I had severe heartburn 24/7 from
about week 3. I gained 60 pounds and fit in none of my clothes, and at some point even maternity clothes were uncomfortable. As someone that has weighed the same my entire life, it was just a hard change to go through and deal with. As well as staring at a closet full of clothes I could not enjoy. That is all superficial, but still… I wasn’t barefoot in the kitchen and happy. One time around 5 months, a few weeks before our wedding, I started bleeding. We were freaked out and ended up in the ER… we had to just hear the heartbeat. Everything was fine and it ended up that just a piece of the placenta detached. It wasn’t a big deal because it was tiny but this meant I needed to be monitored closely, so I qualified as ‘high risk’ for insurance. It ended up being awesome because I got to have an ultrasound every week and see our babe. Throughout the entire pregnancy I could probably be labeled as a hypochondriac to my doctor. I could tell she was a bit impatient at all my extreme questions and self diagnosis of every little thing. I always came in very anxious and worried. I can only explain it in that I just needed my baby to be ok and get through this knowing I would finally have him. All I could think about was getting him to the other side and out alright. I’m a worrier, you truly can’t escape your genes if you have a Jewish mother.
I am extremely in tune with my body and know and analyze everything. I honestly think this goes back to my extreme phobia of throw up. I swear to you that I have willed myself to not get sick my entire life. I go into a somewhat zen mode of meditation and feel as though I have talked myself out of it most of my life. This is one reason I never drank too much… I was too scared ha! Anyway, I just pay attention. So I knew when something was wrong. I started to itch on February 4th. My due date was March 17th. I remember it being somewhat faint and at night. It was on my feet and hands, and that was it and at first I thought it was dry skin. It got worse and worse as the days went on, and on
February 14th, I remember we went out to dinner and I came home and lathered myself in baby oil. I did everything to try and scratch the itch. But this is an itch under the skin and cannot be satisfied, no matter how hard you scratch. I would scratch my feel until they had cuts on them. Robert now was getting concerned. I told my doctor and I swear she rolled her eyes at yet another concern and told me itchy skin is normal for pregnancy. My skin and whole body felt just toxic, I just didn’t feel right. I googled itchy hands and feet during pregnancy, and after a little scrolling (it wasn’t high on the list), I stumbled upon ICP. I remember exactly where I was at work reading this. I knew this is what I had. I called Robert and told him I know I have this and I’m calling the doctor. I asked to come in that day, it was Monday morning and I demanded a blood test. I brought sheets of info and told my doctor this is what I had and I want a blood test immediately. She said ‘I will order the test but this is so rare, I really doubt you have this’. I took the test and went home, nervous for the next two days. Wednesday morning she called me and told me to come into the office to discuss induction options, I had ICP.
Robert left work that day and we both went into the doctor Wednesday afternoon. I was 36 weeks and 3 days. Jackson needed to come out at 37 weeks, which is considered full term, where the lungs have the best chance to be fully developed. We could not wait any longer because the longer you wait, the chances of stillborn death are higher. My liver stopped functioning and basically bile acids built up beneath my skin and get into the blood stream, the same blood that goes to the baby. This is toxic for them. This condition is not widely known, and still does not have full reasons as to why it occurs. It could be genetic (and most people have no clue) and has a history of occurring in hispanic women, as well as more common when you are having a boy. (So crazy because I did not have it with Elston, so who knows). And it all goes away, the symptoms, everything, once you have the baby. Legitimately the itching stopped in the recovery room. I knew we needed to do whatever it took. We took the weekend to decide whether to schedule a C-section or be induced. I had just watched the Business of Being Born and knew I did not want to force anything, I didn’t even want to be induced because of what I learned recently and knew he wasn’t ready! After going round and round, we decided it was best to schedule the C-section. I knew if one ended up having to happen, I didn’t want it to be emergency. I wanted it planned out and Jackson monitored. That Monday morning I was so hungry it was just cruel. I remember licking (sneaking) a popsicle before we left to go to the hospital. We dropped Georgia off at Amy’s house and headed to the hospital. I was terrified. So many fears, um hello, I was scared of needles, have a low tolerance for pain, and have never been in a hospital for myself. I am not the best patient. On top of all that, Jackson was going to be 3 weeks early and I needed him to be ready.
I got prepped an hour before. Everything went incredibly smoothly, it was so calming. I got my first IV, epidural, so many firsts. It’s all hazy but I remember I couldn’t stop shaking.
The delivery room was bright and calm. Everyone was talking and lighthearted. My doctor was amazing at talking me through it all and she was a brilliant surgeon. Bedside manor, not so much. But in the moment, she was everything she needed to be. I was loopy but I smelled burning and kept looking up at Robert asking what that was. I was so anxious to hear his cry. That is all I was waiting for. I needed to hear his breath and I could go on in life as a normal human. I felt pressure and pushing into me like they were pounding me into the table. Jackson was born at 1:15pm. I was yelling why isn’t he crying, where is he, I need to see him. I finally heard the cry and my reason for living changed in that instant. Robert was holding him and had red eyes and I was asking everyone to please tell me why Robert was upset, what is wrong. The anesthesiologist next to me assured me it was because everything was perfect, and Robert had been overcome with emotion. His lungs were perfect, he was perfect. I took one look at him and to this day, know that’s the moment I felt it. I immediately knew what love at first sight felt like. I would literally die for this human, any day at any moment. Jackson Avnor Beckwith, the most perfect thing I had ever seen. He made me a better person and continues to do so as I want to live my best life for him, by example. He is my raison d’être.
Mireille told me when she was living NYC a few years prior she sold her car and bought a purse. Ehh…we all have our thing I guess but my hunch was this could be the last one of those we buy for a while. There was so much to sift through, it was almost surreal to think we needed to pull together both our lives in such a short period of time. Piece by piece we began to work through everything and as the weeks came and went I began to realize she was just as committed as I in this partnership of ours.
We crammed about 10 years into the first chapter of our life together and couldn’t have been happier to start our journey together as Mr. and Mrs. Beckwith. I’ll never forget driving away on our wedding night thinking how incredibly lucky I was to have met this woman. What I would later realize was just how good a woman she really came to be.
of Robert quitting smoking will come during ‘The Colic’ chapter. He learned that I am really not good with money and somehow can always find a reason to spend it. Luckily I also learned that he is so easy to live with and neat and clean. He is also one of the most unselfish people I have ever met. He wanted me to be the most comfortable and did whatever it took to make me feel at home. Robert genuinely wants to see me succeed, helps me with my dreams, and dreams alongside me. We both have a drive in life to go as far as we possibly can, because we have never been able to take anything for face value. We want more in life. This is how I know he is the one for me. He is the first person ever that when I told him my dreams and goals in life, he was basically like, so let’s do it. He came in rough around the edges and yet he balances and calms me. He is always so good about making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You know, like the Raheem song… err I mean [insert classy song here].
it was an opportunity to see where Mireille’s family had vacationed for a period of her life when she was younger. If you’ve never heard of Drummond Island, I wouldn’t be surprised. It hugs the Canadian/US boarder pretty close. To get to the actual island we had to put our car on a quick ferry trip across the water, couple hundred yards at best. When we arrived, her family had rented quaint little cabin on Lake Erie. We spent the next 4 – 5 days visiting family, eating too much and staying up way too late. I do enjoy the outdoors in small doses but reality is Mireille and I are city people and Drummond Island is well, a little rural. On the final day, we said our goodbye’s and on the brink of finally becoming island people we headed back south towards city lights, smog and premium coffee. Ahh…culture.
Where you’re just trying to figure out who the other person is and where their interests lie. We both laughed and continued driving. When we arrived in Charlotte, Mireille took me around all of the places she used to hang out, where she worked and we visited some of her old friends. Mireille comes from a broken home and as the list of friends kept growing, I realized how significant each person was to her and the role’s each played within each phase of her life. This was her family and it dawned on me that she looked to them in very much the same way anyone would look to their closest confidants for approval and direction. I had begun to develop a deep sense of appreciation for her friendships and how they had shaped her into the person she had become.
I thought, why not, Robert will probably be game, let’s do it. Nothing like taking a huge trip with someone you kind of know, to meet your family… in the wilderness. What exactly was I thinking? The only thing that pops in my head sometimes with things like this is that life is too short, so why not do what you want. (This also applies to clothes, sorry Robert YOLO) Take the chance, buy the shoes, eat the cookies, let your kids stay up late.
hand was shaking. He simply said, ‘Are you serious’. We hugged and then I think we needed to process this independently. We decided I would go to my place since I needed to get all my work stuff for the week and he would come over shortly. I needed to be alone for a little while, and I guess resort to that when something in life shakes me or is upsetting, it’s my comfort zone. I drove home, in the dark with no music, and immediately feeling different in a magnitude I had never felt before. I remember not wanting to move, because what if I did something to hurt it. That sounds crazy but that is what I was thinking in that moment, I knew my life was not my own anymore. I am not religious so the driving force behind my thought process (just for reference) was that I was going to give this child everything I never had and more, which included two parents that were committed to each other. This was the only option, and nothing else really ever went through my mind. No other life option. Not see if we would make it work and if not, raise a child jointly. No, we were going to be together and raise this child. I have questioned every single thing in my entire life up until this point, but for some reason I didn’t question any of this, or the direction I knew we would take. I knew him 5 months. I loved him and more importantly, to me, he loved me in the way I knew was the right way to love someone and would later teach me so much about that, and that is all I needed.
In sales, these are called buying signs. As our plan developed, I decided to bring a few birthday gifts that I would sprinkle in over the course of the trip.
I mean, this was blind faith, I was a wild card, and especially with him… so kudos to him for sure. He had a monogram necklace made, I was probably the most surprised I have ever been. I am not easily surprised, I usually pay close attention to things going on, and just act dumb. I literally mentioned this one time, and just in passing conversation about an outfit or fashion trend. I couldn’t believe he remembered or was even listening. Most people usually tuned out when I started talking about clothes. Then there were two cards. He took the time to pick out two thoughtful cards. A Vs giftcard. THEN he pulled out a perfume sample. He wanted me to smell it and make sure I liked it, then proceeded to have me open a huge bottle of Chanel. WHAT?! Is he psychic? It’s like he knew me before even really knowing me. Also, I almost died at the thoughtfulness of all this and the fact that he had no clue we were going to get back together or even rekindle anything.
Hmm…seems like a great time to say the least. For whatever reason, whether it was the simple fact we were going to an event together or if I had given her enough breathing room, all of the sudden we began to strike up a conversations again. With a week to go, we were speaking just about every day. Odd to say the least but I wasn’t complaining.
But the interesting thing was, I didn’t want or need to. We started talking more and I remember thinking how easy it was and I was so thankful he wasn’t pushy with me because I knew how he felt, he just let me be. Most guys I knew either over compensated because their ego was rejected, or became an ass. He was just his calm and silently confident self, and would still look at me with the most genuine eyes that I felt truly saw me and appreciated me for me. I say all this because I believe this all brought me back around organically.
an out over the years and yet nothing seems to have changed from the first day it opened. There were about 5 or 6 of us going that evening, Mireille included. Men flock to Mireille, what can I say, she’s beautiful. I on the other hand haven’t been known to chase after women with the rest of the herd. It always appeared a bit desperate to me and figured, if it was that obvious to me, women could pick up on that as well. The end of the story is, I ignored Mireille until the last 10 minutes of the evening. I finally struck up a conversation with her and as it progressed, I explained to her I wanted to see her again outside of work and asked to take her to dinner.
excitement in the back of my mind, but I had just moved back to Atlanta 2 weeks before and was sorting out my life. I was finally getting settled in Buckhead and used to being single and loving it. I never thought I would because I relied on my previous relationship for so long as my stability in life, so when losing it, it was like losing an arm. I was relearning who I truly was. I couldn’t date someone now, I just started dating myself! Living in New York somewhat gave me a rebirth or almost a realization of what I was capable of. It finally opened my eyes to that ‘more’ in life that I was searching for.
The short story is I had a life long friend with a nice car and pair of loafers, I on the other hand did not possess such. When I asked what he did for a living, he mentioned he was in software. As any broke man in my predicament would do, figured this would be a good direction for my life. He made the introduction and ended up landing the job at what would be one of the fastest growing companies in Atlanta. At the time I met Mireille, I was currently 6 weeks into role and north of 150% to my quarterly plan. This seemed like a dream job. Software sales is different than anything I had ever known. I was surrounded by brilliance every day and the product you are selling is constantly changing and evolving, literally. Stimulation everywhere. It had the excitement of derivative securities (what I’d hoped to do on the exchange out of college) with the luxury of wearing flip-flops paired best with a lunch cocktail. What a time to be alive… Software was exciting: Ask questions to identify pain points and articulate a solution in a way that addresses their needs. Come in early and leave late, simple enough. Rinse, wash, repeat. I digress. When I say we were the fastest growing start-up in Atlanta, I need to provide a little perspective. We were onboarding in the range of 15 – 20 people a week. Incredible growth. Every week one of the guys I worked with would ask if I wanted to go with him to walk past the onboarding room to see if there were any attractive girls we should speak with and every week I would pass on the opportunity. I was a single guy at the time but not entirely bought in to the idea of dating at work. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just looked at is as I was there for one primary function. Make as much money as you can. Let me be the first to tell you how quickly life changes. One week when asked, I decided to take a walk with one of the guys in my division past the onboarding room when I saw her for the first time. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was nervous. So I did what anyone would do in my situation and walked in to introduce myself. Said hello to the new hire trainer and pulled up a chair next to Mireille splitting the small crowd of guys conveniently sitting all around her. I introduced myself and said: “Hi, my name is Robert. What’s your name? She replied, “Mireille” and paid me no attention. Clearly she had dealt with this before. Noticing they were conducting a practice exam as a part of their new hire training. I replied “You look perplexed.” Wait, what?!?! What the hell was I thinking.
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Unfinished House 